Akatsuki Fever
by obsidianLight16
Summary: Sasori leaves a sick Deidara home at the base for the day to complete a mission on his own, trusting the others to take good care of him as fellow comrades. What a mistake! The Akatsuki is sent into chaos when a head cold and fever get way out of hand


**A/N: So I had a dream, and this is what it was sort of like. Except it had fireworks at the end for the 4th of July and some Samurai Warriors stuff in there. I woke up with this idea in my head and absolutely had to write it!**

**Although...it took longer than I expected ^-^u**

**Genre: Humor, family, friendship, drama, more humor...**

**Warnings: Language, violence, OOC, chaotic happenings, etc.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto the entire series would become humor episodes with the Akatsuki and others.**

**Enjoy ^v^**

* * *

><p>It was a dewy morning, humid out with a thick fog cast over the entire area that was of the Akatsuki base. All of the members were soundly asleep in their beds- Hidan snoring with half his body off his bed, Itachi turned on his side with an arm curled beneath his head, Madara flopped on his stomach with a hang handing off the edge of his mattress, Konan with her hair splayed out across the pillow, Kakuzu with both arms folded behind his neck, Kisame with all of his covers thrown off of him, and Pein-<p>

Actually- no one could see Pein, shrouded in several hanging canopy curtains with hands delicately folded like a sleeping beauty.

But that's not the point. The point was, everyone seemed to be sleeping at ease except for three members.

One wandering the halls.

Another bundled in heavy blankets.

And the last who was preparing for a mission.

_Stupid Pein. Let's send out the only member who doesn't sleep as much as the others every time an early morning message gets sent out from neighboring allies about a stupid business transaction_, Sasori ranted to himself, grumbling under his breath and shoving things in a small knapsack. _Nevermind the fact that I _specifically _told him my partner was sick and needed to be watched over. Dictating bastard. _

"You're leaving me…?" Deidara's sad voice drifted over to where he stood.

Sasori sighed and went over to soothingly run his fingers through his partner's untied hair. The blonde's forehead was warm and slightly clammy, his scope having been taken off to show a pair of feverish blue eyes and glazed stare. "I'm not leaving forever brat," Sasori reassured him. "I'll be back as soon as I finish the mission, so stay in bed and ask one of the other members if you need something until I show up with your medicine, okay?"

Deidara gave a small nod before closing his eyes. "OK…bye-bye danna…"

Sasori waited until the blonde's breath evened out before removing his hand and going to finish packing his bag on the desk beside the bed. While all of the members had their own separate rooms, Sasori had taken it upon himself to stay in the bomber's room last night to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. He was one of the only members who knew about Deidara's condition when he got sick. The blonde would act like a little child who constantly needed to be tended to unless he was sleeping- it was a severe head cold that Sasori thought should be checked out by a certified doctor.

Kakuzu might just stick him with a drug that knocked him out.

He packed the last of his supplies for his mission and cast Deidara one last look before exiting the room. Out in the hall he walked by Zetsu who had always been an early riser.

"A mission?" he questioned. **"No. He's running away." **"Why would he do that?" **"Why are you so stupid?" **

Sasori sweatdropped lightly. "Zetsu, do me a favor and let the others know that Deidara's sick. He's not to be disturbed unless he needs something," he said over his shoulder. "He needs to get his rest and I don't want him near anything that will excite him."

The plant man was one of the only ones he trusted to take care of something and _not _make it die, other than Itachi. But Deidara wasn't exactly and sunshine and clouds around the older Uchiha and he wouldn't take the risk.

Zetsu nodded. "Alright."

"Thanks."

And with that Sasori disappeared from sight, entrusting his favored partner to the good hands of his fellow Akatsuki members.

* * *

><p>-About an Hour Later-<p>

* * *

><p>Hidan danced his way into the kitchen, singing a riveting tune while heading for the fridge. He knew it was early, but he was in a good mood, already performed his morning ritual, and was kind of hungry. He was dressed in nothing but a pair of sweatpants, bare-chested in the burning hot base. No one ever wore their Akatsuki attire inside unless they had a mission to do. Even Sasori changed his clothes every once in a while.<p>

Well...except for Tobi. But that kid was weird so it didn't count.

The base was eerily quiet, but in a way it soothed the Jashinist. It sort of felt like peace had settled over them all. And it was a nice feeling.

He opened the fridge, bending over to search the bottom drawers. His humming grew louder and soon he was singing words to a song he didn't think he knew, waving his tush in the air. "Dum daddi do~ Dum dum di doodi da~ Dum daddi do~"

"Hidan-" a hand was placed on his shoulder.

"HOLY-!" Hidan cut himself off just in time as he whirled around to see Kisame staring at him with a raised brow. "Er-" The Jashinist smacked his hand on the countertop. "Ow! I hurt myself!" he exclaimed in an painfully obvious fake voice.

"Right…" Kisame took his hand off the immortal's shoulder. "What are you doing down here anyway? And what exactly_ were_ you doing?"

"Nothing," Hidan quickly said.

Kisame gave him a skeptical look.

"Well what are _you _doing down here?" Hidan asked.

The shark nin toothily grinned. "I was about to get something to eat. But it looks like you were already occupied."

"Hey- Deidara's usually down here by now," Hidan suddenly commented, looking about the kitchen as if the blonde would magically appear. He was trying to divert the fact that he had been dancing with his butt in the air, and luckily, it worked.

"Maybe he's still asleep," Kisame said.

"He never fucking sleeps in this late," Hidan muttered, miffed that Kisame had managed to scare him.

Kisame started to leave. "Well let's go see what's wrong then."

* * *

><p>Zetsu walked outside through the forest, greeting his fellow companions. "Good Morning~ Cheerio!"<p>

**"Oh just say hi and keep walking moron!" **

"Someone's in a bad mood."

**"We have to make sure to tell the others about Deidara." **

"He'll be fine for a few more hours. No one's up in the base this early anyway."

Black Zetsu rolled his eyes. **"Whatever." **

* * *

><p>Hidan knocked on Deidara's bedroom door for the third time, listening for an answer and turning to Kisame with a frown when he didn't get one. "No fucking answer."<p>

"Open the door," Kisame ordered, face stern.

Hidan didn't hesitate. It was rare seeing Kisame so serious. He poked his head through before being prodded in the back by the shark nin to go in all the way. Hidan glanced around the slightly messy room before his eyes landed on the bed where a large lump was curled. He tapped Kisame on the shoulder and motioned towards the blankets.

"Deidara?" Kisame called, walking over.

There was no answer.

Kisame frowned and stood there.

Hidan, having grown impatient and wanting to see what was wrong, stormed over and threw the covers off the blonde.

Deidara recoiled from the lack of warmth almost immediately as he came into awareness and tried to figure out what had happened.

"Hidan!" Kisame snapped, taking the covers and situating them around the bomber again.

"What?" Hidan protested. "I was just curious."

Deidara pulled his blanket over his mouth and nose, only his bright blue eyes looking at the two through the scattered mess that was his uncombed bangs. "I don't feel good…" he told them.

They both glanced at him.

"Where's Sasori?" Hidan asked as Kisame moved forward to check the blonde's temperature.

Deidara closed his eyes at the feeling of Kisame's cool hand, managing to get out, "On a…mission un."

"I see…" Hidan trailed off.

"Oh." Kisame pulled his hand back. "He's sick."

"No shit," Hidan said, putting a thoughtful face on.

"Well-" the shark nin glanced at his comrade. "What do you think we should do?"

Hidan held up a finger. "Hold on, I'm thinking."

"You can do that?"

Hidan hit him over the head, red in the face. "SHUT UP BITCH!"

Deidara whimpered at the loud noises they were making, effectively shutting them both up.

"Sorry Deidara," Kisame kindly apologized, though he did shoot Hidan a poor look. "Is there anything you need?"

The blonde paused in thought, not really thinking at all in his haze-induced state but feeling an almost unexplainable sensation of giddiness swell through him. He zoned back in on the worried faces of Hidan and Kisame before deepening his upset frown. "Come here please…"

Kisame tilted his head. "What?"

Hidan nudged him in the side. "Just do as he fuckin' says," he said in a mildly quieter voice.

Kisame stepped forward and leaned over the blonde a tad. "Yes?"

"Closer," Deidara murmured.

Kisame inclined his head.

"More."

Kisame did so.

"A little bit closer…"

Kisame's concerned eyes were almost touching his.

Deidara fluttered his eyelashes and pecked the man on his nose. "Kisame-no-danna."

Kisame blinked in shock before turning purple. "W-Wha-?"

Deidara's face turned to one of mischief as he laughed and bashed his head against Kisame's causing the man to stumble back and hold his smarting forehead. He sniggered and rolled out his bed, his favorite puffy blanket wrapped around him as he raced past the two in his room and out the door.

"Ah crap! After him!" Hidan said, turning away from inspecting Kisame's bruise.

Kisame tried to grab him. "Not so fast Hidan-!"

Hidan ignored him in favor of chasing after the blonde. He came to a stop at the edge of the stairs that would lead to the downstairs section of the base, baffled. "Huh?" His head swiveled around. "Where'd he go?"

The hall was silent, except for the sound of Kisame approaching.

"Well that's fucking weird…" Hidan muttered to himself.

Deidara snickered, coming up behind Hidan and pushing him down the flight of stairs.

"AAAAAUUUUGGHHHHH!"

Deidara openly laughed and then disappeared as Kisame rounded the corner.

Kisame ran to the stairs and looked down at the groaning and cursing immortal lying at the bottom. "Hidan! Are you okay?" he called.

"What does it fucking look like?" Hidan shot back. Then his eyes widened. "Kisame behind yo-"

"Eh?" Kisame turned his head, only to be shoved off the platform and tumble down the stairs as well. He and Hidan collided and collapsed in a painful heap.

Deidara laughed and waved at the pair, skipping off to Kami-knows-where.

"Conniving little _bitch_," Hidan swore, rolling off of Kisame. He glanced at the man getting to his feet, eyes narrowing in determination. "That's it. We have to get the fucker before he goes any more ballistic and starts killing other members."

Kisame bobbed his head. "Agreed. Let's hurry up."

* * *

><p>Yeah…it wasn't as easy as they made it sound.<p>

* * *

><p>- Half an Hour Later-<p>

* * *

><p>"SONUVA BITCH!" Hidan roared as he went toppling down the stairs for the sixth time. He may be immortal, but <em>Jashin <em>the bruises still hurt!

Kisame ran down and cast him a helpless look. "It's a never-ending cycle," he said, helping his comrade up. "We'll chase him through the halls, end up here, and he'll push us down. Or rather- just you.," he said with a large sweatdrop. Deidara seemed to find great fun in torturing Hidan the most.

"Don't remind me," Hidan uttered. "He may be fucking sick, but no one can stop me if I get too fucking angry."

"I'll keep that in mind," Kisame said. "Speaking of which…why hasn't anyone else come to help us? They can't miss the sound of your screaming or Deidara's laughing."

"Or your annoying-ass voice," Hidan grumbled, crossing his arms. But he too looked curious at that revelation. "Maybe we should wake the fuckers up. Damn heavy sleepers."

There were several loud explosions throughout the base, and the two missing nin immediately felt the chakra signatures of the other Akatsuki members flare in alarm.

Deidara's mad cackling bounced off the walls as he stepped into sight at the top of the stairwell.

"Oh my God what the FUCK is that!" Hidan screamed, pointing a finger at Deidara who was running straight at them with a red stick on fire in his hand.

Kisame's eyes widened and he quickly pushed them both to the floor as the blonde whizzed past. "Well shit!" he cursed, looking after the bomber. "It's a stick of dynamite!"

"He's gonna blow the fucking base up with that!" Hidan cried, jumping to his feet. A piece of boulder from the ceiling of the base broke and squashed him to the ground. "FUCK!"

Kisame blanched, going to remove the rock off the immortal. "The base is already suffering damage from his attacks. We have to stop him!"

"Right!"

And the two sprinted off towards where they had last seen the blonde disappear. Unfortunately they were too late and could hear the sound of something else exploding in the base.

"Pein's going to kill us," Kisame murmured, placing a hand to his head.

"We don't have time to think about that dumbass!" Hidan tugged on his elbow. "Let's just keep going!"

The two ran all through the base, deeming the blonde no longer on the upstairs floor, and made a quick dash back downstairs where they had started. Hidan had a small inkling as to where Deidara went. Every room they had passed so far seemed to suffer some kind of explosive damage, and the one spot Hidan hadn't heard the sound of destruction was the living room. He soon pointed this out to Kisame who nodded and led the way to the room.

"This is the only place where he could have gone," Hidan panted, skidding to a halt as Kisame came to an abrupt halt in front of him. "What the fuck are you doing?" he hissed.

"Hold on, let me check." Kisame peeked his head around the doorway before pulling it back out and looking at Hidan. "Alright. He's in there," he loudly whispered.

"I already fucking know that!" Hidan yelled. "I'm the one who told you the little shit was in there dumbass!" He pushed past Kisame, stomping into the living room with murder clear in his eyes. He pointed an offending finger at Deidara. "Your time is up runt! You're going back to fuckin' bed whether you want to or not!"

Kisame stepped up beside him. "Hidan, that's not how you talk to a sick person." He faced the grinning blonde. "Deidara, we're concerned for you. Just come with us, okay?"

"What is he, a _girl_?" Hidan sneered. He glared at Deidara. "Move it here bitch!"

Deidara cheekily winked, blowing them fake kisses and a pair of birds.

Kisame took a step back. "Wait a moment-!"

"Un." Deidara blasted them both into the ceiling before plopping down and shoving the corner of his blanket in his mouth like a kid, looking more subdued than before.

Hidan and Kisame simultaneously fell off the ceiling where there were now two very big dents and cracks in the plaster. Several pieces of debris dropped off from the explosion as well, and now the pair was covered in a light layer of dust and gravel.

Kisame groaned and sat up, rubbing his sore neck. "Ow…that was dangerous…"

"No fuck!" Hidan shouted, leaping to his feet and furiously pointing at Deidara. "You little shit! Don't blow up people who are trying to help you!"

Deidara just looked at him with a blank expression.

Hidan felt his teeth grind against one another and an eye twitch.

And then he lunged.

Kisame grabbed the Jashinist from behind, trying to restrain him. "Don't do it Hidan!"

"Get the hell off me!" Hidan elbowed Kisame in the stomach, knocking the wind out of his chest before preparing to launch himself at Deidara again.

But then Konan walked into the room, looking bewildered and stopping both of their actions. "Just what is all the noise about? You know how Pein gets when someone wakes him from his sleep."

Kisame, gasping for air, weakly waved an arm in the direction Deidara was in. "It's…him!"

Konan lifted a slender brow, looking at the blonde they accused. He was sitting in the center of the floor looking for all the life of him like an innocent bunny snacking on a carrot. "Aww," she squealed. "What's wrong with him? He's so cute!"

"You obviously haven't seen him for the last fucking hour," Hidan scowled. "He's the devil! One wrong move and his brain goes to shit like a little maniac!"

Konan huffed at them. "Oh come off it. He's just sitting there. Surely two S-class missing shinobi can put an illness weakened comrade back into bed," she said.

"We've been trying to catch the fucker for ages!" Hidan whined.

"Yeah," Kisame agreed. "It's harder than it looks."

"How hard can it be?" Konan rolled her eyes at the pair of exhausted nin, turning around to face the seemingly angelic blonde chewing on the corner of his blanket. "Alright Deidara," she cooed, waving with a hand. "Come here so we can take care of you~"

Deidara stopped his munching to stare at her.

And then bolt in the opposite direction.

Konan held out a hand, eye twitching. "H-Hold on a minute!" she shouted to his retreating back.

Hidan smacked a palm to his face. "Great. Now we have to fuckin' find him again."

Kisame sidled up beside Konan, a smug look plastered on. "_How hard can it be?"_ he mimicked.

Konan's brow quirked and she kicked him into the wall before stomping off to find Deidara.

Hidan ran over and hauled Kisame out of the dent in the wall. "Come on, come on!" he insisted. "We can't let that motherfucker beat us to finding Deidara!"

Kisame stumbled along. "This isn't a competition you know-"

"I won't let Konan get to the little shit before me!" Hidan hollered.

"Alright, alright!"

The two staggered out the living room into the hallway, seeing Deidara lazily loping down the corridor. Konan was right in front of them.

"There he is!" Kisame unnecessarily shouted seeing as they could all see the blonde and the others were _right _next to him.

Apparently Hidan thought so too because he conked the shark nin on his head.

Deidara paused to whirl around and pull an eyelid down, blowing a raspberry at the trio. "Katsu un."

Konan and Kisame protectively raised their arms, only to lower them and glance over when they realized Hidan had exploded.

Deidara giggled at the cursing immortal and dashed away.

Kisame stared at Hidan as the Jashinist started some minor healing processes on his body since Kakuzu wasn't around. "I wonder why he targeted you," he said.

Hidan gave him a nasty look. "Yeah- if I were him I would've blown you up instead asshat."

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Whatever Hidan."

"Oh poor Deidara," Konan sighed. "He's crazy."

"You're not better much than him," Hidan muttered, picking himself up from the ground in a quiet fury. "Both goddamn bitches."

Konan bitch-slapped him and then pinned him to the floor again, beginning to throttle him.

"OW! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Hidan screamed.

Kisame averted his gaze from the fighting pair to try and sense the base for Deidara's chakra signature. _Let's see…_

"Respect your elders!"

"Oh yeah sure! Fuckin' o_baa_-chan!"

"What!"

_Deidara's chakra is in… _Kisame's eyes grew large in horror. "Itachi's room! That's bad!" He quickly turned and raced up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

Konan stopped strangling Hidan in favor of looking up in question. "Did you hear Kisame shout something just now?"

Hidan gave her a very dark glare. "Get the _fuck _off of me you sack of potatoes."

Konan popped a vein, turning her head to look at him with such a sweet smile Hidan felt his blood freeze. "What did you just say…?"

Hidan sweatdropped. "Er- Bet the duck offered you Sacagawea?"

Konan let out a disgusted sigh before climbing off him. "Oh shut up Hidan."

"Bitch! You asked me!"

"Shh!" Konan held a finger to her lips, listening intently to her surroundings. Then she let out a relieved breath. "Okay. It seems Kisame found Deidara in Itachi's room and-"

"Deidara?" Hidan's eyes got a dark gleam in them. "Where…is…he?"

Konan, taking note of the psychotic light in the Jashinist's eyes, decided to lie. "Up your butt."

Hidan's brow twitched.

"ITACHI! YOU'RE IN DANGER BY YOURSELF!" Kisame's voice shouted from the upstairs hallway.

Hidan glared at Konan before shooting off towards Itachi's room.

Konan inwardly cursed and gave chase. "Get back here!"

* * *

><p>Zetsu hummed, watering his daises with a small watering can. "Why do I feel like I forgot to tell everyone something important?"<p>

**"Don't be stupid. We never forget things." **

"You're right- sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have stopped to say hi to all of our friends..."

**"Just forget about it. Hey- you missed a spot."**

* * *

><p>"Itachi! Be careful he's-!" Kisame burst into his partner's bedroom and froze. "…dangerous?"<p>

Itachi looked up from where he sat cross-legged on his bed, running his fingers through Deidara's bangs who seemed content with his head in the older Uchiha's lap. He was curled up in a protective ball with his blanket tightly wrapped around him and eyes wide.

Kisame slowly stepped further into his partner's room. "Now I see how sick Deidara really is," he said. "He would _never _willingly step twenty feet within you."

"Thanks for that confidence boost Kisame," Itachi dryly said.

"And how did you guys end of like that again…?" Kisame motioned to their current position.

Itachi gave the slightest shrug of his shoulder. "He came in while I was resting and started to cry about scary men chasing him around the base. And then he passed out. I believe he's awake now."

Kisame stared at Deidara who was staring straight back at him. "Yeah…"

Suddenly their moment of peace was shattered by something that sounded like an angry rhino charging down the hallways, followed by a light patter of footsteps.

"WHERE THE HELL IS THE LITTLE SHIT! I'LL FUCKING KILL HIM!"

"Hidan- calm down!"

"Silence woman!"

Deidara visibly tensed, putting up red flags in Kisame and Itachi's mind immediately.

"Don't let Hidan in here," Itachi ordered.

Kisame held out his arms, flailing them about as he faced the doorway. "No Hidan! You can't come in here!" he cried.

Itachi brought a hand to his face.

Hidan stomped into the bedroom anyway, throwing Itachi's door off its hinges before murderously glaring at a fully alert blonde. "You fucking little-"

Deidara suddenly squealed, rolling off the bed and crashing to the floor in a tangled mess of his blankets and limbs.

Konan stumbled in after Hidan, just a few seconds too late.

Hidan roared, jumping on top the bundle with his nails sharpened and feral look on his face.

"What are you doing!" Konan exclaimed, running over to pull the Jashinist off.

"No! You're both going to hurt Deidara!" Kisame worriedly shouted, jumping into the cloud of struggle and just succeeding in creating an even bigger scuffle than necessary.

Itachi watched with a slight twitch. _Idiots… _

Finally the three jumped apart from one another, looking down as one towards what they thought was Deidara. Their eyes widened in alarm.

Kisame's mouth had fallen open in horror. "You…You killed him!" he pointed an accusing finger at the blue-haired woman next to him.

Konan smacked him over the head. "SHUT UP!"

"And he turned into a fucking chunk of bark!" Hidan exclaimed, pointing down.

Konan paused, having been about to go into an anger rant. But now she flicked her gaze to the so-called bark and raised a brow.

"W-What is that?" Kisame asked in bafflement.

"What the hell do you mean? It's obviously a fucking Substitution Jutsu!" Hidan yelled.

"Yeah I know that," Kisame said, lifting the piece of wood in his hands. "But why is it a log…?" he asked with a question mark above his head.

"Oh. Good fucking point," Hidan also stared at the mangled log he had attacked.

Konan gave the two disgusted looks before facing the only _sane _one in the room. "Where did he go?"

Itachi sighed and pointed a hand through his now broken doorway. "He ran out while you guys were arguing."

"What! Why didn't you say anything?" Konan angrily stared at him.

"Because you didn't ask," he replied, getting to his feet. "Let's just find Deidara before he gets into any serious trouble."

"AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH! MY BRAND-NEW CHANDELIER!" Kakuzu's horrified scream echoed throughout the base. "WAIT! COME BACK WITH THAT MONEY!"

"Too late…" Itachi sighed.

Hidan blinked and turned towards Kisame. "We have a fucking chandelier?"

Kisame shrugged. "Or we did."

"Hmm…I wonder how much the damn thing cost."

"Me too. Do you think Leader-san knows about it?"

Konan grabbed them both by the ear, dragging them out into the hall with a popped vein. "This isn't the time to discuss things like that!"

Itachi inwardly rolled his eyes and trailed after the trio.

* * *

><p>"He destroyed everything!" Kakuzu wailed aloud, looking around the trashed room. "But this isn't the time to worry about this. The baka took all of the Akatsuki's funds with him," he muttered. "What's wrong with him anyway? Is this why Hidan and Kisame were creating such a ruckus…? Hmm, I wonder… No! This isn't the time to be thinking about things like that! I need to get that money back or Leader-san will have my head!" he mourned.<p>

The problem was, he didn't know where the blonde went.

There was a loud crash and crackling noise from outside the base.

"Aha! Found him!" Kakuzu exclaimed before frantically running outside.

* * *

><p>Pein rolled over in his bed, grumbling under his breath while firmly keeping his eyes closed. While he didn encourage relations of friendship and happiness among his members, that didn't mean they could go wild and throw parties like a bunch of teens. <em>Dumbass members... <em>he thought as the sound of glass shattering reached his ears.

* * *

><p>Deidara, in the meantime, had started up a nice bonfire in front of the base, throwing large sticks and the occasional tree in to make the flames higher. He laughed and clapped his hands to himself, turning only when he senses another presence behind him.<p>

Kakuzu was slowly approaching, eyes large. "Deidara…"

The blonde grinned and picked up the bag of money he had put on the ground, jumping on top a giant clay butterfly and hovering above the bonfire. "Nya nya! You can't catch me Kakuzu~"

Kakuzu thought about yanking the bomber into his own fire pit with a few of his threads when he remembered the money he had in his possession and the fact that Pein would kill him. "Come down from there Deidara," he said instead.

"I don't wanna un."

"You have something very important to everyone in your hands," Kakuzu tried to reason with him.

"I do?" Deidara innocently grinned, as if he was _not _holding the life-savings of the Akatsuki above a giant fire.

"Deidara…" Kakuzu held out a hand. "Give me…the money…_now_."

Deidara's grin spread to the corners of his cheeks. "NO!"

And then he dropped the bag of money into the cackling flames, laughing childishly before taking off in a deep part of the forest.

Kakuzu dropped to his knees with a despaired cry just as his fellow comrades ran up behind him.

"What happened?" Konan questioned, coming to a halt beside him.

"All the money," Kakuzu sobbed. "It's all GONE!"

Kisame lifted both brows. "What are you talking about? And why is there a giant bonfire in the front of the base?" he asked in slight alarm.

Kakuzu buried his face in Konan's shoulder. "All the Akatsuki funds… Deidara burned it!"

"WHAT!"

"Well this was unexpected," Itachi murmured. "Deidara's lost it completely… Kisame-" he said. "Put out that fire and then go find Leader-san. This is no longer a problem we can just take lightly. Konan, take Kakuzu inside and give him a ryo or something. I'm going to pay someone a visit."

Hidan glared at the Uchiha. "What about me bitch?"

Itachi glanced at him. "Oh I forgot about you. You can start cleaning the mess inside the base."

"What? Why the hell do _I _have to do all the dirty work?" Hidan complained as Konan started helping Kakuzu to his feet.

"Because unless you want us all to suffer by Leader-san's hands, then I suggest you do as I say," Itachi ordered with narrowed eyes.

In the background, Kisame had summoned a tidal wave, knocking Kakuzu and Konan to the ground, and successfully managing to turn the lawn into a giant swamp.

Hidan narrowed his eyes back at Itachi, but sloshed off towards the base nonetheless, grumbling under his breath about red-eyed bastards and superiority complexes all the while sinking in the pit of mud Kisame had created.

Itachi merely rolled his eyes and vanished from sight in a swirl of darkness.

* * *

><p>Sasori stood in the aisle of a store, staring at all the bottles of medication in front of him with a slight headache. He scratched his head and then turned to one of the employees working behind him. "Excuse me, I have a question."<p>

The employee turned and blinked with wide eyes. "Aren't you in Akatsuki?" he asked.

Sasori looked down at Akatsuki cloak and then back at the guy. "No."

"Then- then what are you wearing?" the employee bravely challenged.

Sasori narrowed his eyes. "I'm wearing clothes, just like everybody else in this store. And unless you want to end up with a kunai shoved so far up your ass that you'll have to eat and shit from the same hole, then I suggest you kindly help me look for some goddamn flu medicine." He drew a kunai. "Kapeesh?"

The employee paled and hurriedly nodded. "Y-Yes sir. Right this way!"

_Tch. Incompetent fool, _the redhead thought to himself as he followed. He needed to get the medicine and then get back to the base. _Hopefully Deidara's still asleep. Well- I'm sure no one bothered him. That kid's an angel._

* * *

><p>Deidara skipped through the woods, humming and singing and attracting quite a lot of attention from the forest animals. A deer and several bunnies wandered up to his side, followed by tweeting birds and a stream of butterflies. The blonde smiled and pet the deer, coming to a halt in a narrow pathway and not seeming to notice the ominous cloud of darkness spreading towards them.<p>

But he _did _notice when all the cute animals scurried and bounded away from him.

"Aww, no fair," he quietly complained.

All of a sudden a thick root burst out of the ground, wrapping around his torso and lifting him off the ground.

Deidara stared into the face of the massive tree holding him. "Are you friendly?" he asked it.

The tree's bright yellow eyes turned to slits. "**NO."**

And with that, the tree then proceeded to try and drag the blonde underground for dinner. When Deidara realized that this was not a very friendly tree and that he was soon about to be buried alive, he did the only thing he felt he could do in this situation.

Scream in horror and flail his arms about.

"KYAAAAAAAA! HELP! THE TREES AREN'T BEING VERY NICE TO ME UN!"

Zetsu perked up from where he had been napping, jumping to his feet almost immediately and sprinting for the scream. "What is Deidara doing out here? Sasori told us he was sick." **"Did you honestly expect everything to be alright with **_**those **_**morons back at the base?" **White Zetsu sighed. "_Let's just find him before he gets eaten." _

* * *

><p>Hidan tied one of Kakuzu's bandanas around his head and sighed, pushing up his sleeves and getting to work in the base. He'd stolen Tobi's apron for the time being and was now in nothing but a pair of ninja pants. No one had to know of his secret cleaning fetish, or his need to feel like a poor beggar while doing so. <em>I better hurry up so I have enough time to get ready for the Ball.<em>

Konan and Kakuzu walked by, the former consolingly patting the older man on the back.

Hidan watched them go and then muttered to himself, trying to clean up as best as possible in the dining room. The chandelier had exploded everywhere, and some of the pieces were really small. All in all, the silver-haired immortal was now wearing a nice pair of glass slippers on his feet and leaving massive trails of blood behind him that he would just have to clean all over again.

Konan poked her head back through the doorway, a smug smile on her face. "You're doing such good work _Cinderella_. Keep it up- you've only the entire base left to do."

And then she left, cackling loudly over her shoulder as if she were one of the evil step-sisters.

Hidan growled from where he was sweeping shards of glass into a dust pan, throwing the broom he had been using behind him in fury. "Stupid superiors ordering others what to fucking do! I hate all those heathens!" he raged.

A small brown rat ran up to him and sat on its haunches. "Princessess don't swear Hidan," it squeaked.

Hidan whirled around in a rage, pointing an offending finger at it. "YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

There was an outraged snapping sound behind him. "_Hi…dan_…" a voice darkly uttered.

Hidan froze before slowly turning, blanching as he saw Pein standing with his broom snapped clean in half and a large red mark on his leader's forehead from where it had hit. "Ah um shit. I-I can explain!" he hurriedly said.

"Then do so before I maim and feed you to the others as dinner tonight!" Pein angrily shouted. "Kisame woke me from my nap yelling unrecognizable things about Deidara and psychos before I knocked him unconscious! So tell me NOW what the hell he was talking about!"

Hidan gulped and nodded. _He's _crazy _without his beauty sleep. _"W-Well you see…"

* * *

><p>"So you mean to say that my ever-so-lovable <em>sempai <em>has gone crazy?" Madara slowly questioned.

Itachi wearily nodded.

They were inside a private hideout of the elder Uchiha, in a dark room lit only by candles. Madara was leaning back on two legs of a chair and balancing a pencil on his nose. Or he had been until Itachi had appeared all creepy and shit and scared the crap outta him. But Itachi didn't need to know that. Now he sat, arms draped over the back of his chair, unable to believe what he had just heard about a member of the infamous Akatsuki.

"Are you serious?" he asked.

Itachi nodded again.

Madara stared at him before cracking up with laughter, throwing his head back in mirth. "Now that's some funny shit!"

Itachi's brow quirked. "He ran off someplace in the woods. We don't know where he is and we've suffered massive damage to headquarters."

"Sounds like a battlefield." Madara wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "So? What do you want me to do about it?"

"Um…find him before he kills anyone?" Itachi suggested.

"Nah-" Madara flippantly waved a hand, standing up from his chair to pick his mask up from his bedside table. "If he's in the forest, then Zetsu will find him. I think I'll go to the base and see what's happening there."

Itachi gave a reluctant groan but followed after the now masked man nonetheless.

* * *

><p>When the two Uchihas entered the Akatsuki base which had been cleaned up slightly from when it had last been entered, they immediately headed for the kitchen where they sensed their fellow Akatsuki chakra signatures. What they saw when they walked in was everyone, save for Zetsu and Deidara, lounging around with dull expressions. Except for Kakuzu. He looked oddly gleeful.<p>

Itachi blinked. "Why are you all in here and not searching for Deidara?"

Pein was the one to answer. "Because he went off into the woods."

Itachi stared.

"Everyone knows that the forest is Zetsu's territory," Kisame explained to his partner. "So we don't bother going in there unless it's for missions because all his tree friends try and kill us unless we sacrifice a part of our body."

"How have I not noticed this before?" Itachi murmured.

"None of us did," Konan replied. "At least not until Zetsu came back with the mangled parts of his last partner."

"Yeah. Zetsu's, like, our last fucking hope," Hidan added, still wearing his apron and headdress.

Itachi looked at them all. "So you're saying that if he fails, we're screwed?"

"_Preetttyyy _much," Kakuzu said. "Yup.

Itachi gave the stitched man a weird look. "Why are you so happy? Weren't you depressed an hour ago?"

"Well I was," Kakuzu admitted. "But then Konan gave me all the money from a small bonsai tree piggybank. I'm now richer than all of you by 570 ryo!"

Everyone sweatdropped. _That's not much at all…_ they thought in unison.

"Hey-" Pein suddenly spoke up. "Doesn't that bonsai piggybank belong to Zetsu?"

Konan blinked in his direction. "It used to."

"Ah."

They sat and stood in an awkward silence.

Some time later, the very man they were talking about appeared.

Zetsu walked into the kitchen, holding a limp blonde in his arms with a dark brow raised. "Why did my fellow ficus pull Deidara out of the ground and offer him to me as a sacrifice?" **"I pissed myself." **

"You finally caught him!" Konan said, relieved and ignoring the disturbing last line he said.

It was then that Deidara snapped to a sitting position, wriggling his way out of Zetsu's arms to stand defensively in the center of the circle the Akatsuki had formed around him.

Pein cleared his throat, assuming an authorative demeanor. "Deidara, as your leader I command you to stop this instant and face your punishment as an S-rank shinobi."

Deidara turned his bright blue eyes onto stormy ones, giving the most irresistable pout as he hugged his arms around his own lean form. His blanket had been long lost in the fray, and now he wore nothing but an oversized shirt and baggy pants. "But Leader-san," he whined. "I'm _lonely_."

Pein's head snapped back as if he had been dealt a powerful blow, holding his hands to his eyes as he screamed, "NOO! THE SHEER UTTER CUTENESS HAVE OVERWHELMED ME!"

Konan glared and stomped on his foot.

"Playtime is over," Itachi told the blonde. "You need to go back to bed."

Deidara moved his eyes from Pein to Itachi, hitting the raven full force with the power of his puppy-eyes. "But I don't want to Itachi," he pouted. "Can't I play for a little longer?"

Itachi staggered back with flushed cheeks, rapidly blinking as his brain came to a momentary halt. "Y-You can't," he stuttered.

Konan's glare grew darker as she kicked Itachi in the shin. "Don't fall for things like that!" she shouted.

Deidara grinned and stuck out a tongue. "Konan-chan's an _ogre _un."

The blue-haired woman turned on him like a wild banshee, having to be held back by Kisame and Zetsu. "WHAT WAS THAT? YOU LITTLE RUNT!"

"Enough chit-chat." Hidan flexed his fingers eagerly, taking a step forward. "Time to put you to fucking sleep Deidara-chan…"

"NO THANK YOU UN!" Deidara yelled at the top of his lungs, mood taking a drastic swing, before throwing a smoke bomb out of his pocket.

Everyone covered their mouths and lunged at the spot where they had last seen the blonde, only to get tangled up with one another and roll around shouting and kicking each other in an attempt to get up. Madara growled as he was crushed to the bottom of the dog pile by Kisame and Pein.

Deidara's wild laughter was heard as he escaped from their clutches once again.

Kakuzu, who seemed to be the only one to notice, stopped yanking on Itachi's hair and shouted, "STOP! Deidara's gone!"

"What?" Konan leaped to her feet first, looking around. "Where did he go?"

Itachi glanced towards the doorway, Sharingan activated. "He's outside the base."

"Shit!" Hidan cursed, worriedly gnawing on his fingernails. "If blondie leaves this fucking area, who _knows _what the fuck will happen."

"We have to stop him no matter what," Pein said with some finality.

With a collective nod, the group ran outside.

Or tried to.

Pein, who was leading the group, skidded to a halt and held out his arms, preventing anyone from falling into the swamp that had become their front lawn.

Unfortunately gravity and the law of physics weren't on their side, as Kisame had been bringing up the rear. As everyone slammed into Pein's back, Kisame came sprinting along and bowled them straight into the very murky pits their leader had been trying to avoid. With a large splash, the entire Akatsuki crashed headlong into the ground.

"Ack! I'm fucking downing!" Hidan shouted as he and everyone sunk out of sight.

Konan pulled out her paper wings with some difficulty, them being weighed down with the mud, and yanked herself out of the swamp as fast as possible.

* * *

><p>- Fifteen Minutes Later-<p>

* * *

><p>"Crap!" Konan swooped overhead, covered in muck and searching the ground for her buried comrades. She flew around, pulling Itachi out of the swamp by his foot before flinging him somewhere else and diving in to pull out Hidan. She grabbed the immortal by his hair, only realizing she had ripped off his head and left his body in the mud when the Jashinist began screaming insults at her.<p>

"YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH! HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF BEING FUCKING GENTLE LIKE A _NORMAL _WOMAN? YOU HORRIBLE MAN!"

Konan narrowed her eyes before dropping his head far, far, away from his body.

Pein grumbled under his breath about bonding sessions among the members as Hidan's head dropped into his hands. "Hidan- where was your body last?"

"Um…" Hidan's eyes glanced side-from-side. "Somewhere in this front yard."

Pein's brow twitched. "No shit."

With a grumpy grunt, Madara rolled to his feet and stayed somewhat firmly above the surface using chakra, brushing the front of his cloak down. It didn't help that he was sinking in the ground. _Stupid_ _Kisame's over-the-top water jutsu. _

Speaking of the shark-nin, he was stuck waist deep in a pile of muck with Kakuzu wading over and trying to pull him out with his threads. It didn't really work seeing as Kakuzu was sinking just as deep and quickly as the other man.

_What fools… _Madara idly thought.

Pein had also sent chakra to his feet, and was dragging Hidan's body across his shoulder while holding his head out to Kakuzu. "Hey," he said. "I need you to put Hidan's head back on his body."

Kakuzu looked over his shoulder and glared. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"Insolence!" Pein blasted him to another part of the lawn with his Rinnegan.

Kisame, who still had Kakuzu's threads wrapped around him, went flying along, taking Pein and the two separate parts of Hidan as well when he rammed into them on his way up into the air.

Itachi watched the group of four go and then faced Madara who he had come to stand beside. His normally brushed locks were mussed and clumped with mud. Madara didn't doubt he fared any better. Everyone else looked like swamp monsters so why shouldn't he? "Madara," Itachi said in a low tone. "Deidara is nowhere to be seen on the ground. I think he's up in the air."

"So? What exactly is your point?" Madara asked back, just as quietly.

Itachi started to narrow his Sharingan eyes. "Shouldn't you stop fooling around as Tobi and put a stop to Deidara then? You're powerful enough to do that, aren't you?"

Madara gave him a cold look. "Of course _fool_."

Itachi snorted before walking away, presumably to stop Pein from eating Kakuzu alive. "You're the fool," he said over his shoulder.

Madara opened his mouth to come up with a snappy retort and death threat when Zetsu and Konan came up to his other side. He inwardly huffed and looked at the two with a very dark glare.

Which they seemed immune to.

"We've located Deidara," Zetsu said. **"The idiot's flying around the base with a big-ass haul of clay." **"We think something bad is about to happen."

Konan and Madara both looked at the plant with deadpan expressions.

"Nevermind about that," Konan cleared her throat. "How do we get him?" she asked.

If anything, Madara's expression furthered into one of blankness and disbelief. "Konan," he said. "You have wings. Just knock him off whatever he's riding. I will round up the other fools before things get worse-"

There was a loud explosion.

Konan placed a hand to her head. "Too late for that…" she muttered.

"Everybody run!" Kisame yelled, cupping a hand over his mouth. "Deidara's bombing anything he sees! The base is in flames!"

"Hmph," Madara scoffed as Konan and Zetsu quickly retreated out of sight. "Looks like I'll have to put a stop to Deidara myself. An easy task for one such as I."

* * *

><p>- Three Minutes Later-<p>

* * *

><p>"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"<p>

"RUN BITCH RUN!"

Madara screeched to a halt, sending a wave of mud into Itachi's face. He would've enjoyed the little revenge he had gotten on the Uchiha for his earlier attitude, but he was quite busy avoiding being blown to smithereens by Deidara who had indeed lost his mind. Because he had been the first to openly attack the blonde, the bomber now saw it fit to target him as his next piece of rubble- and only him.

The other members were actually standing around and watching him get chased like an idiot throughout their swampy lawn with amusement. The sadistic bastards!

He didn't want to risk the clueless members finding out he was Uchiha Madara, so teleporting and using a powerful jutsu unless they were occupied by something else was not an option. But even if the bombs Deidara dropped went through him, it _still _scared the crap out of him!

There was something not right with that boy!

A shadow passed by overhead, and Itachi leaving from the area alerted Madara that Deidara was honing in on him. He fiercely glared at the other members through his mask for leaving him on his own and not bothering to take out the blonde themselves. _Useless backstabbers. _

Hidan hummed thoughtfully from where he and Kakuzu stood, the latter adding the finishing touches to his stitching job. "You know…even though our base is on fucking fire, we've lost everything materially precious to us, and the front yard is a complete goddamn wreck…seeing Tobi get hunted down by a bat-shit crazy Deidara still manages to touch my fucking funny bone. Just a little."

Kakuzu grunted and glanced over as Tobi let out a high-pitched squeal, mud flying all up around him as Deidara let loose a deadly barrage of explosives. "Hmph. You're right."

Itachi watched with vengeful red eyes. _Serves him right. _

Unfortunately for the Akatsuki members who _weren't _being attacked by anything other than Kisame's swamp, Deidara's attention got averted from Madara by a passing sparrow which he then presumed to chase around headquarters with a scary smile on his face and kunai held in his hand.

Konan sighed. "Oh well. Back to stopping Deidara." She opened up her wings and prepared to take off into the sky.

Madara blew out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

He had quickly realized that Deidara wouldn't be as easy to capture and subdue as he first thought. It seemed like the bomber's sense of reason had decreased by four times its original genius, effectively increasing his sadistic and giddy urges to destroy all that was precious to the Akatsuki.

As if on cue, a newly determined Deidara flew by on top his clay bird, holding a dead sparrow in one hand and laughing like a child as he threw miniature bombs over the side with his other. The explosives went straight through Madara with no problem. It was everyone else that was screaming and ducking for cover as the left wing of their base went up into even higher flames.

Pein looked up from where he had cowered, eyes wide and screamed, "THAT'S WHERE THE SEALING STATUE WAS!"

_Good thing we didn't capture any of the tailed-beasts yet…_ Madara slowly thought to himself. But it wasn't as if they could casually build another sealing statue. It had already taken twenty years, even with Sasori's construction skills. He sighed heavily beneath his mask. He really needed to check out what illnesses could do to their members before inducting them in the organization.

"DEIDARA! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Pein roared, Rinnegan ready to shoot the blonde down.

And into thousands of little pieces.

Luckily for Deidara, Kisame and a newly stitched Hidan opted to tackle the frothing man to the ground before they lost a valuable member of Akatsuki.

Konan had already spread her paper wings, zooming after Deidara who thought it appropriate to circle the base as if it were a giant nuisance that needed to be taken care of. She sent out a horde of paper birds which the blonde met head on with clay butterflies. An explosion blasted Konan several feet back as Deidara, used to the explosive power, simply flew higher into the sky.

"I will charge into the Sun to create a supernova and destroy the Earth in a massive boom!" Deidara proclaimed, pointing a finger up as his bird tilted almost vertical to the ground. "Let's go Sparrow!" he told the dead bird he still held.

"What the fuck? Someone stop the idiot before he kills himself!" Hidan shouted, pinning their leader's arms behind his back as Kisame sat on his legs.

Itachi appeared in front of the smiling Deidara in a flock of crows. He grabbed the blonde by the top of his head, landing on the clay bird and forcing him to look into his Mangekyo. Deidara's eyes went wide before dilating as he slumped forward.

Itachi let out a small sigh of relief, only for it to turn into a cry of horror as Deidara's head snapped back up with a large grin on his face.

"Did I trick you?" he excitedly asked, slapping the Uchiha across the face with Sparrow.

While Itachi was trying to recover from his minor heart attack, Deidara took the liberty of pushing the Uchiha off his bird so there was more room for him to spread out and relax as the world burned to ashes underneath him.

He didn't seem to realize that he wouldn't make it very high in the air without dying from lack of oxygen.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Kisame jumped up from Pein, running dramatically in slow motion to catch Itachi who would surely die from falling at that height. He made a heroic dive, face digging into the dirt with a twitching body.

Itachi wound up crashing down on top of Hidan and Pein in the end anyway.

"FUCK! MY ABDOMONAL STRUCTURE_!_"

Meanwhile Madara had taken to teleporting on top of Deidara's bird, assured he wouldn't fall off because everything just went through him. If anything, it would be _Deidara _who toppled off- not him. _No one is allowed to reek havoc on the Earth but me! _He jealously thought, wrapping both arms around the blonde and teleporting them back to the ground. Deidara thrashed and screamed, giving the much older and powerful man several painful bruises to his delicate areas and a permanent tick of anger on his forehead.

Pein raised his head with some effort from the mud, spitting the foul taste out his mouth before shooting lasers into Kisame's back. "Kisame!" he barked. "Stop lying around and use the water from this swamp to put out the fire in our base!"

"Oh so _now _he chooses to act like a leader," Kisame huffed, forming the hand signs needed already.

"I can hear you!" Pein yelled.

"Great. When you can do something about it, let me know," Kisame retorted, practically summoning a mud tsunami which slammed into Akatsuki headquarters. It quelled the fire all right, but caused several parts of the base to cave in as well.

"KISAME-NO-BAKA!" Pein threw Hidan and Itachi off of him, stomping towards the shark nin with murder in his eyes.

Hidan and Itachi looked at one another before running to restrain their psychopathic leader.

Kakuzu glanced at the arguing group of four and then ran over to Konan who was staring up at the sky with very large eyes. "What is it? What's the matter?"

"Deidara's bird is coming for us," she whispered in terror.

Sure enough, the clay bird he had been riding on, was now plummeting back down with neck breaking speed.

Heading straight for the area they were all gathered in.

Konan whirled around, urgently jabbing a finger in the area. "We have to leave guys!"

The fighting and struggling still continued amongst the group.

Konan felt a vein pop. She stomped her foot, eyes flaming. "EVERYONE NEEDS TO MOVE _NOW!" _she loudly roared.

Everyone stopped what they were doing, finally looking at where she was directing.

Deidara gleefully clapped, smacking Madara in the head in the process. "My baby's come back!"

And everyone turned their petrified looks from the giant bird in the sky to the stir-fry crazy blonde.

"DEIDARA!"

The bird nose-dived right into them, exploding magnificently in a shower of mud and screams.

Zetsu looked over at the chaos from where he was safely trimming flowers in the forest and shook his head. **"Idiots." **

* * *

><p>The Akatsuki sat in their puddle-filled, scorched, and smelly, living room, hair sticking up, clothes a mess, and faces covered in soot. They were plastered head-to-toe in dried mud and all smelled horribly of cow manure because of the stupid fertilizer Zetsu insisted on using for healthy growing grass. Even Madara, who had his hands too occupied with Deidara to think of teleporting away on time. Only Zetsu, humming happily to himself in the corner, was unmarked. He had retreated to the woods where his forest friends had protected him.<p>

And people said hugging trees were stupid. _Psh. _

The source of everyone's annoyance was sitting in the center of the room, playing with silly putty Madara had bought for his Tobi persona to mess around with. The only thing he was covered with was smudges of clay and an aura of happiness as he played. Deidara would form a bunch of tiny animals before squashing them with his fist and making obnoxious dinosaur noises.

Itachi wearily watched him to make sure he didn't go berserk while everyone else silently mourned and wondered what they were supposed to do now. They had no idea how to handle Deidara if he were to suddenly become upset. Especially seeing as if anytime Hidan even _thought _of moving, the blonde's fierce gaze would turn onto him.

Fortunately for them, the Fates decided they had enough of messing around with the Akatsuki's minds, (For the time being anyway) and sent them all their savior.

"What's…going on?" a curious voice questioned.

All eyes flew to the living room doorway.

"Sasori-san!" Madara exclaimed in his Tobi attitude.

"Oh thank fucking Kami you're back!"

"Save us please," Konan practically begged.

Sasori stood, taking in the mess that was the Akatsuki headquarters with half-lidded eyes and a calm expression on his face. He was the only one out of them all, except for Madara, who was in full Akatsuki attire. After all, Pein was the only one who sent him out on a mission. _PMSing bastard. _Sasori gruffly thought.

Then his eyes landed on Deidara and he suddenly knew the reason for his comrades' odd behavior.

"Oh Deidara…" Sasori heavily sighed.

Deidara blinked and looked up at the voice, apparently not noticing or caring enough to see who had entered until they addressed him. "Sasori-no-danna!" He climbed to his feet in excitement.

Hidan tensed and shouted, "Run Sasori! He's going to fucking _maul _you!"

But to all of their chagrin, Deidara just giddily skipped over and latched onto his danna's neck with a cheer. "Hooray! You're back!"

Sasori raised a brow and pressed a hand to his partner's forehead. He brought his hand back just as quickly. "You're burning up even worse than this morning." He turned to stare down the group of sizzling Akatsuki nin. "What did you guys do?"

"It wasn't us!" Kisame cried.

"Yeah! It was the fucking psycho over there!" Hidan accusingly pointed at Deidara.

"He trashed this entire place!" Pein fiercely spat.

"And almost killed all of us with his stupid explosions!" Konan exclaimed.

"All the money!"

"Hn."

"Tobi thinks so too!"

Hidan paused and looked at the masked man. "How did you fucking know what Itachi said?"

Madara inwardly scoffed, scratching his cheek out the outside and saying, "Because Tobi is not as stupid or thick-headed as Hidan-san."

Hidan's jaw dropped and the angry tension that had been surrounding the group eased somewhat along with a few snickers.

Sasori rolled his eyes at them and then sternly stared at Deidara. "You've really caused a lot of trouble for everyone, you know that brat? Didn't I ask you to wait until I got back? I thought I could trust you to lay quietly in bed, but it seems you can't even do that. I honestly don't know what to think of you anymore. Just go lie down and don't disturb anyone until you feel you can act more maturely," he ordered in a disappointed tone.

Deidara looked surprised before sadly looking at the ground with a watering eye and puffed out cheeks. "I'm sworry danna…" he then wandered off in the wrong direction.

Sasori watched him leave and then glared at the people he dared call his comrades. "Is that what you wanted me to say?" he asked. "You're S-ranked criminals but couldn't find the sense to calm him down soothingly and treat his fever like good friends? What if he had gotten seriously hurt? What if _any _of you had gotten hurt?"

"For the record," Itachi spoke up, "I was doing a good job of watching over him."

"Yeah right," Konan grumbled. "You're the one who fell for a nineteen year old's puppy-eyes."

"Damn straight," Hidan said. "Don't try and avoid fucking responsibility bitch!"

Itachi's eye twitched. "At least I wasn't stomping around like a pair of elephants who didn't get their peanuts during a Circus show."

"HEY!" they shouted with popped veins.

"Hmph." Kakuzu picked at his grime-covered nails. "The three of you are nothing more than specks of dirt under my shoes."

"You're not wearing any fucking shoes dumbass."

"It's a figure of speech fatass."

"I AM NOT FUCKING FAT!"

Sasori narrowed his eyes. "Stop arguing- all of you! You're all equally to blame. Zetsu I thought I told you to tell everyone else of Deidara's condition?"

Zetsu occupied himself with scratching a bug bite on his arm. "Whoops." **"I told you idiot!"**

Everyone gave him a nasty glare.

Sasori snapped his fingers, bringing the attention back to him. "Enough. Now what do you have to say for yourselves?"

The Akatsuki exchanged sheepish glances and averted their gaze. In the distance they could hear their blonde bomber boohooing to himself.

"Maybe…we were too harsh on him…" Kisame admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

"We should've done a better job," Pein reluctantly added.

They all looked at each other again before looking at Sasori and bowing their heads apologetically. "We're sorry."

"And that's what I like to hear," Sasori cheerfully said. "Now I'm going to go check up on the brat and make sure he's not crying himself into hysterics."

Madara thoughtfully hummed to himself as the redhead exited the room. _He's a better leader than Pein at this point. _He glanced over at Pein who seemed to notice this himself and was now casting vicious holes into the back of Sasori's head. He snickered to himself and stood, putting his Tobi persona back on. "Tobi's going to check on sempai and make sure he's alright. You guys should do the same for being such bad boys!"

Konan glared. "Ahem."

Madara turned, sniggering to himself. "Like Tobi said, bad _boys_~"

A vein popped. "Tobi…you-"

Madara pranced away in an almost euphoric state.

Until he slipped on a patch of water from their base sprinklers.

The laughter from everyone else made him growl in anger. _Just you fools wait until I send you out to capture those Jinchuuriki…_ he inwardly threatened. And then he realized they would have to wait a long amount of years to rebuild their sealing statue once more. _NOOOOOOO! Damn you Deidara!_

* * *

><p>Sasori cracked the door to Deidara's bedroom open, peering inside at the blonde who had his covered pulled over his head and was curled up into a ball on his bed, only the bottom half of his face visible so he could breathe out the shield he had created for himself.<p>

Sasori shook his head helplessly at his partner's antics before walking over to the bed and sitting on the edge next to the bundle. "Deidara," he called.

The blonde didn't move.

"Deidara I'm sorry," Sasori said.

The bundle shifted _slightly_.

Sasori sighed to himself and then smiled, tugging at the corners of the blanket. "From what I heard today, you created some pretty beautiful art. Psychotic- yes. But art nonetheless. Sorry I missed it."

Deidara flipped the covers off his head, staring at the redhead with a half-glazed expression from his fever. "Wow!" he breathed out. "Thanks a bunch Sasori-no-danna un." He glomped his partner.

"Sure, now seriously, get some rest." Sasori pushed him away and stood, looking towards the door where he could sense the chakra presences of the other Akatsuki members outside. He lifted his eyes to the ceiling in exasperation and then turned his attention back to Deidara who was struggling to get comfy in his mass of blankets. The corners of his lips tilted up as he went to detangle the blonde. "Everyone else is really sorry about what they said too," he told him. "But that doesn't mean you're off the hook. You have to help earn back all the money we've lost today, understand?"

Deidara grinned with a yawn. "Oki-doki."

"You probably won't remember this at all when you wake up tomorrow," Sasori murmured, fluffing the blonde's pillow. "Everyone was worried- even if they didn't show it brat."

Deidara groggily blinked, tiredness beginning to take over from his adventurous endeavors that day. "What was that danna…?"

"Just go to sleep." Sasori firmly tucked the blanket under Deidara's chin before patting him on the head and leaving to get a damp rag. The blonde was already knocked out like a light.

Everyone stared at the redhead in minor disbelief as he walked out the room.

"H-How did you fuckin' do that?" Hidan gasped out.

"Magic."

They trailed after him.

"No seriously," Kisame insisted. "We've _were_ trying all day you know."

"He would've have been fine with me," Itachi cast him a sour look. "But you and Hidan ruined that."

"What! Fuck you!"

Sasori waved a hand at them over his shoulder. "The brat would've freaked if he came to his senses with you around Itachi. It worked out better this way."

Pein glared at him, trying to get his leader demeanor back which failed. "What do you mean? The entire base is in shambles, no one can walk out the front entrance thanks to Kisame and his water jutsu, we've lost our savings, and now can't afford to pay the bills for this place! We're ruined."

"We're going to become _hobos_!" Kakuzu dramatically cried, falling to his knees. "I lost my ryo in the explosion!"

Zetsu smiled. "You all might become hobos, but _I've _got my life savings in a cute little piggy bank." **"Ha!" **

"Not anymore," Itachi muttered.

Zetsu's head snapped in his direction. **"What!" **"NOOOOOO!" He too fell to his knees beside Kakuzu, sobbing mercilessly.

Konan looked away from the scene, whistling innocently.

"We're so doomed," Kisame sighed.

Madara, struggling to keep up his Tobi façade with the annoyance he felt, said, "Tobi agrees…"

"Well then I guess there's only one thing left to do," Sasori said, coming to a stop in front of them all. He turned around, a smile on his face and sudden waiter's cap on his head. "Open a restaurant and get ourselves some money."

They all deadpanned.

"Lame."

"Open one yourself asshole."

"We're hobos."

Sasori blinked. "But-"

"No way," they muttered in unison, breaking off to do their own things.

Sasori wandered after them. "Oh come on guys... I was just kidding."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Lol. I had a lot of fun with this one :D Akatsuki like the dysfunctional family they are~**

**I'm working on updating my other recent stories, but another one-shot is on its way out as well. Just...not as long :P**

**Thanks for reading! **


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